i just need 2 vent

i hate feeling this way - at least i feel something right - toss up - anger - pain - sadness - i want the good feelings - cant feel the good without the bad right

u good for nothing lower than the bacteria that grows on the gum that is stuck in the treads of my dirty work boots - u know who u r - u can hide from me - from my stares - from my anger - from the reach of my arms - u think u have the right - u should have no rights - u should b behind bars at the mercy of Big Joe in cell block 2B - his bitch - feel the rape of your soul as u did 2 me - u dont deserve 2 roam this planet - i can only imagine ur days filled with the agony of gasping 4 forgiveness so that u can breath without the weight of shame & disgust resting like an elephant on your chest - u hurt me more then u possibly can even comprehend in ur selfish little self justified crack pot mind- if i ever c ur guilty face again i swear i will take ever ounce of power i can muster 2 return 2 u the pain u have caused me - an eye 4 an eye

placing the hate where it belongs - on u - i hate u - u - u -

looking back

a year ago today was my birthday - i was laying in a hospital bed in Hartford, CT recovering from my jaw surgery (a titanium plate & 7 screws attached to my jaw bone along with a mouth filled with metal arches wrapped in & out of my gum line with wire). I was alone, scared and uncertain. I would like to say it was uphill from there but honestly there was not much good in the next month and in fact the downward spiral continued until i found restitution in my younger sister's home in Maine.

here i am one day shy of my 35th birthday - clear across the USA in La Mirada, CA - gainfully employed and a roof over my head - another year as a survivor - drug free (prescription & recreation) - my head high above the water.

a year later - another year alive - another year to look forward too

ty
thank u
thank you
Thank You

Progress

PASSIVE
Pondering the past - what do i regret - i shouldn't have any regrets yet as human and imperfect as i am i do - cant linger on them or it will drag me down - yes i can look at myself in the mirror & like the image looking back.

Sitting in the present - thinking of the day to day - past, present and future all mix into one.

Contemplating the future - what will come.

ACTIVE
Building on the past - i have learned from my experiences - i have grown - i know i am strong - i know i am weak - i know i am not perfect yet perfect enough to b me, 4 me. The past has provided a foundation - one that i am willing to build my house on - with out my hard tattered past i would not b who i am 2day.

Working on the present - a glance at the past and into the future make 4 a 2day that is full. I wake up every morning (pushing the envelope of time), i go 2 work (sometimes not that productive but at least i am there), i interact, i contemplate, i believe that 2day will b a good day.

Planning the future - but knowing what u plan wont always come - looking at my wants and desires and hoping they r not just all a dream - simple really - continuous employment 2 secure me financially, bring me stability and fill my intellect - a home 2 feel at ease in, 2 settle into, 2 utilize my hands and my head in keeping it alive - a family 2 cherish, adore, a baby.


CONTEMPLATIVE
Live another day, week, year knowing who u r or at least trying 2 figure it out.

r u - u...part 2

can u look in the mirror and c urself - truly look - past the makeup, through the smoke and c u?
can u look urself in the eyes - is it hard?
do u feel urself staring - is it uncomfortable?
do u want 2 cry?

stop
look away
now quickly look
is it still u
r u still there
r u looking
can u c u

stare, look, focus, concentrate 2 c who looks away first
smile and walk away

r u - u...part 1

r u superior
y
y do u think u r more then others
what
what makes u feel superior

r u confident, secure, independent

r u humble
respect others and who they r
c ur accomplishments as personal quests sought and concored - not 2 b flown in another's face

do u brag
indulge in a story with added twists and a puffed up truth
do u feel more then u were

r u - u

laws or chains

rights
freedom

opinion
choice

2 borrow the words of a friend...

"Our national creed is a declaration of natural rights not a compact for the preservation of social customs. It was defined over 200 years ago as adherence to certain self-evident truths. All are created equal and endowed by their creator with inalienable rights, including life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Americans' fidelity to that creed ended the tradition of slavery because it was understood that slavery denied to the slave the universal rights America was founded in blood to protect. Women were constitutionally disenfranchised but in time that injustice was rectified because the nation realized such discrimination violated our national creed.

These rights are inherent and transcend the written law; they pertain to race, creed, religious preference, sexual preference, and the equal right of any individuals pursuit to happiness (as long as it does not infringe on the rights of others or causes injury to others).

When we compromise or stray from time-tested democratic principles -- that separate is never equal, those minorities must be protected against the tyranny of the majority -- we risk relating citizens to less than a whole person. As a nation, we have travelled down that road far too many times before.

Skin color, gender, and sexuality mean nothing in terms of equality. We are all human, thus making us all first-class citizens. And any law that states differently deserves to be abolished."

TY Diana

pensive

pensive - [pen-siv] - adjective:
1. dreamily or wistfully thoughtful
2. expressing or revealing thoughtfulness, usually marked by some sadness

continuous

hmmmmmmm - a continuous train of thought - train on the tracks - tracks on ur arm - y - y do u need that - need - want - desire - thought - dont stop - u might miss something - keep going - let it out - what ever it is let it out - dont stop - stop in the name of love - songs - band - music - lyrics - dont stop - keep going - let it out - come on - let it go - exhale - waiting 2 exhale - movies - romance - comedy - tears - crying - breath - exhale - remember - keep going - think it - write it - b it - b all u can b - army - navy - marines - air force - sister - niece - nephew - family - loved ones - alone - 2gether - keep going - dont stop - let go - let it out - u stopped - u paused - u thought 2 long - what was it - y dont u share - share - keep - tight - alone - selfish - open up - open ur hands - whats there - nothing - yes something - come on - its there - can c it in ur eyes - can c it in ur posture - share - let it out - come on - y - y do u hold on 2 it - y cant u say it - say - say what u need 2 say - john mayer - say - say it - out loud - scream - shout - run - hide - say it out loud - not in your head - share - even if its just with urself - share - let it go - exhale - exhale - relax - let the shoulders drop - exhale - release the tension - reiki - message - touch - feel - emotions - separation - let it go - exhale - open up - ur heart - ur mind - ur lungs - ur being - open up - 2 every possibility that comes ur way - open up - open up - open up - y r u so quiet - y dont u talk - y dont u share - say - say what u need 2 say - u have nothing 2 say - nothing - really - seriously - funny - my word - ur words - quote - r u sure - nothing inside - nothing 2 express - polar express - christmas - holidays - stress - family - lack of - 2 many - obligations - stress - relax - nothing 2 express - nothing 2 share - nothing - its calm - peaceful - relaxed - at rest - really - nothing - nothing is sometimes good - the good - the bad - the ugly - john wayne - clint eastwood - heros - movie stars - oldies - but goodies - its sometimes ok - nothing isnt always something - doesnt always have 2 b something - sometimes nothing is just nothing - nothing - something - no where - here - im here - right here - always here - ok there - mayb sometimes there - or there - but always here - with u - beside u - 4 u - a continuous thought - continuous - dont stop...

ty

ty goes out 2 the universe

how amazing it is 2 be alive - 2 not have had my last day on this earth - 2 b breathing.

i awoke on friday afternoon from a wallking slumber. i had bcome a zombie of life - shut myself tightly away from emotions, from the thoughts of being hurt - not willing 2 b alive so i could avoid pain - but where did that get me - alone in a room filled with love - alone in a warm embrace - alone... i awoke on friday from a needless slumber.

how incredible it felt 2 b awake - 2 feel - yes the good with the bad - 2 smell - 2 c - 2 hear - 2 love & b loved - how incredible it feels 2 b awake.

but fright filled my eyes - all air was gone from my lungs - my body limp - darkness.

how sad it would have been 2 have only just awoken from my slumber and 2 have only lived 4 1 day b4 leaving this earth - the sadness that would have filled the space i left behind - but with me i would have taken the joy i felt while i was awake.

ty goes out 2 the universe.
ty