Drive

It is day one of week three at my new job. Today is the first day where I am stalled for work here. I have completed my last assignment ahead of schedule (as I did with my previous tasks) and I am now waiting on redlines before proceeding with the next phase of this multi-step task. I am waiting on one of three supervisors to hand me the redlines. Three supervisors, WOW, what a change from my previous employments. All other offices I have worked at I have been the sole CAD Engineer. Here I am one of five CAD Operators plus three supervisors/managers. That is eight employees in the Engineering Department alone. In most cases that is more people in the entire office of my previous employers never mind just one department.

My new title of CAD Operator seems so small to me. It is not that I am an egotistical person but it seems small compared to what I know I want to be, Project Manager. In all of my previous employments my title has been similar but has carried more with it. I have had to wear the multiple hats of a CAD Operator, Engineer, Project Manager, Estimator, IT, and any combination thereof. In a smaller office you cannot just perform one sole job or else you will be out of a job. But here in a company of more the a hundred employees (in a slow economy) I do just that, I am exactly what my title tells you I do, I am a CAD Operator. I strictly work on drawings every day, all day. I may be working on a 3D model one day, Preps/Layouts another, Fabrication Drawings the next but I am solely working on drawing production.

I wanted this, I wanted a change of pace, I wanted to feel like I was working to my fullest potential, to feel like I am striving to get to the next step in my career instead of feeling stalled…well I got what I wanted. My work day is filled with work (opposed to twiddling my thumbs and trying to make 2 hours of work stretch to eight hours). It is currently challenging because I am learning new systems, new projects, new routines, new criteria, new procedures, new, new, new…everything is new. What has remained the same is my self confidence in my capabilities and my desire to absorb information.

I have my goal of becoming a Project Manager. That goal is based on me wanting to achieve more, more success, more challenges, more knowledge, more respect, more self worth, more money, more job security, more, more, more. I am never satisfied with staying where I am at in my career, I do not feel as though I can settle or be complacent in my current position, knowledge base or skill set. I want to be more. I know I can be more.

So here I go, back to work, back to striving to be more then anyone (including me) thought I could be.

Waiting to make a Step

Sitting here waiting for 430, waiting to go home, waiting for my offer letter to come to my email, wishing I was with my family, wishing I wasn’t here twiddling my thumbs, wishing I had work to do to help pass the time.

I am waiting for another step up the ladder on my career path , it is in their hands, said to be to me today, said to be in my email today, said to have an offer letter for a new position at a new company in my email today….WHERE IS IT?!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have learned all that I can here at Hale Glass and I have offered up all the information, lessons and advice they are willing to take from me. My time here is complete. There is no ladder for me to climb here, no higher or better position for me to obtain, no room for growth, I have maxed out.

Woodbridge Glass and Werner Systems is my next stop along my career path. Hopefully the right step? How can one be certain which are the right steps? I have no psychic powers, no crystal ball; no magic wand to wave that tells the future. All I poses is my gut feeling, my intellect and my belief in timing/everything happens for a reason.

Woodbridge is a bigger company, they don’t even touch projects under 2 million. They have their own extrusion materials and they produce more custom designs. This translates to more design, engineering and brain usage. I need to be challenged, intrigued, and stimulated at work every day. Not sit with nothing to do, not sit and watch the clock, not dread going to work.

I have always believed you should have a job you enjoy doing because it consumes the majority of your life. I have enjoyed many positions at various employments taking with me what education and career strengthen I could but always looking to where I can go to continue growing my skill set and increasing my knowledge base. It is my drive and determination for the coexistence of success and happiness that keeps me achieving and reaching my goals.

P.S.: I am still waiting for that email.

Reacting

Over reacting seems to be my memo lately, my norm rather then the occasional. I do NOT like it one bit and I know my family doesn't either so it is time to make a change for the better.



"The art of not reacting. In order to stop overreacting, you can try using the art of not reacting. This means that when you’re presented with a certain situation, your goal will be to not react at all. Instead, you’ll take the time to think about the situation and then formulate your action" (Wiseley, 2010).

Well that sounds like a good place to start.

I know I have to remember to just take a deep breath and relax before I react. Remember I am not perfect, to not judge quickly, I do not have to control everything and that mistakes happen. I want to be that kind, gentle, easy going, fun person that I knew and loved in myself. She is still there, I see her.


Wish me luck.

ReFresh

Wow, okay, it has been quite some time since my last post and wow has a lot happened...but I am back...more to follow soon.

Riding 2 Remember

35 miles up the highway 2 Malibu.

Then 25 miles through windy canyon roads, my heart pounding out of my chest, rolled up into my throat then dropped into my stomach. Trying 2 stay focused on this ride not on my last group ride way back in Nov of 08. Don't focus on the left curves, remember 2 lean and look ahead, don't look in front, focus on this ride not on ur crash, try 2 not remember ur crash, the fear, loose the fear, focus. Shacking, keep control, I feel out of control.

Stop at the Rock Store in Cornell for lunch. I get off the bike over whelmed with emotion, I have 2 walk away from everyone so no one sees my tears. Pull it 2gether. You made it, you r doing fine, u r here, this is now not Nov 08.

Focus.

Neutral

im feeling a little dazed, losted, sleepy, bored, wondering what to do (other then the work thats sitting on my desk) wondering what the tempature is outside, wishing i had some hands on work to do outside instead of sitting at this desk all day long - i guess i should be lucky i have a window to look out and even lucker i have a job. I wonder if there are any jobs in Utah? I look down at my note pad and see the words La Mirada, CA and I think California - i am living in California - im not sure if that is a good thought or a bad thought - neautral i guess.....I feel kind of lonely today - kind of sad (not like i want to cry kind of sad but lonely or empty kind of sad).....I think i will go take a stroll around the warehouse and the grounds maybe the fresh air will perk me up a bit.

i just need 2 vent

i hate feeling this way - at least i feel something right - toss up - anger - pain - sadness - i want the good feelings - cant feel the good without the bad right

u good for nothing lower than the bacteria that grows on the gum that is stuck in the treads of my dirty work boots - u know who u r - u can hide from me - from my stares - from my anger - from the reach of my arms - u think u have the right - u should have no rights - u should b behind bars at the mercy of Big Joe in cell block 2B - his bitch - feel the rape of your soul as u did 2 me - u dont deserve 2 roam this planet - i can only imagine ur days filled with the agony of gasping 4 forgiveness so that u can breath without the weight of shame & disgust resting like an elephant on your chest - u hurt me more then u possibly can even comprehend in ur selfish little self justified crack pot mind- if i ever c ur guilty face again i swear i will take ever ounce of power i can muster 2 return 2 u the pain u have caused me - an eye 4 an eye

placing the hate where it belongs - on u - i hate u - u - u -